My dad died today....
 

Earlier today I got a phone call from my mom. She called me to tell me that my father died today. Kind of odd emotions running through me right now. You always know that your parents are going to die sooner or later. With my dad, I thought it would be sooner rather than later. But still, when it happens, it still catches you by surprise.

I never was really close to my dad. I remember many head bumpings when I was growing up. Some my fault, and some his. Some probably neither one's fault, just the way it was. I never thought of my dad as a "friend" or someone I could go to for help. He just seemed to be the guy who paid the bills for the household and that was pretty much it. The times he would take us on vacation, if you didn't like where he wanted to go and what he wanted to do, that was pretty much too bad. There is only once in my life I can remember when he decided to do something I wanted to do. I just mentioned briefly that I was going to take my youngest brother snake hunting down in St. Mary's County, Maryland (I live in Maryland at the time), and he asked if it would be OK if he came along. I was completely shocked! But of course I said it would be OK. I don't remember too much about that day, but I do recall thinking afterwards that maybe that is the way other kids have it when they have a dad that really does things with them.

My dad did well in life, financially, at least up till several years ago. He owned his own business for as long as I could remember, and none of us kids really wanted for any necessity in life. We seemed to move to a larger and better house every several years. Finally after I moved out on my own, my parents bought a house right on the Gulf of Mexico in Englewood, and I do recall thinking that was a pretty low blow to do that AFTER I had moved out of the house.... :( Left me stuck in Maryland while they moved to sunny Florida..... But heck, maybe my life would have turned out much worse if that had happened, so who knows? My brother just a year younger than I moved down there, and his life just didn't turn out so well. And my youngest brother lives down there now, and I'm not sure he is doing all that well either. So maybe the environment there would not have been a good place for me to be living.

Ah, well, eventually my mom and dad divorced. I talked with my mom a whole lot more than my dad. I guess I kind of got the picture when the cards we would send to him on his birthday and Christmas came back with NO FORWARDING ADDRESS on them. Not that he ever responded to the ones we think he got, but still..........

When my parents moved down to Florida, my dad bought a business (Exxon service station), and from what I had seen it was doing very well. Somewhere along the line, my dad took a turn for the worse in his business decisions, I think. I can remember Connie and I visiting the Englewood area and running into him somewhere (I can't remember if that was before or after the NO FORWARDING ADDRESS thing), and he seemed to be doing well. Matter of fact, he looked TOO well. Gold chains on his neck, and some big dude at his right elbow who looked like some kind of Mafia hit man. I heard (rumors only, no substantiation) that he had gotten into drugs and that guy was his body guard. I remember my dad asking that we stop by to see him the next day, and when I was non-committal, the big guy turns to my dad and asks him if he wants him to MAKE SURE I show up. :eek: My dad told him "no", but I really wonder what would have happened if he had said "yes".

After that I believe I only saw him one other time. He was living with some woman in her apartment, and I don't even know what he was doing for a living. I thought he lost his business, but honestly, I felt it not my place to get him to go into any details. He did seem extremely bitter about life in general, and was constantly brow beating the woman he was living with. I knew that wasn't going to last......

So I just lost touch with him. Last year or so when Connie and I were visiting my mom, my youngest brother Ross was there as well. He told us that dad was basically living in some shack and was a booze hound hanging out at the local bar. People there made fun of him and gave him drinks just so they could watch him fall down on the way out of the bar. Ross said he was living in filth and nothing he said nor did seemed to make a difference.

Pretty much, the end was in sight, I think. My mom called last week and told me that dad had fallen and crushed a disk in his back. He was in the hospital but they had released him pretty quickly. I think she saw the writing on the wall as well, as she wanted to ask Connie what she should be about getting a power of attorney from my dad. Mom didn't say it, but certainly she knew.....

So that all came to a head with the phone call today. My dad had died. Ross found him dead in his trash heap of a home. He had abandoned his family, his friends, and his life. He made some wrong decisions along the road and it all came to the point of him dying alone in some rat hole.

My dad abandoned me long ago, but I still feel sad about it. More so than I really thought I would when I finally heard this news. I guess blood does run thicker than water, which in a way surprises me. I really thought I didn't give a damn about my dad any longer.

My mom says there will be no services for him. He will just be cremated and all traces of him gone. I don't know..... SHOULD I go down there? For what, to give my "respects"? To some stranger who used to be my dad? To some guy who showed me he really didn't give a damn about me nor anyone else?

You know, I have had the blahs all darn week long. Just felt like I'm dragging around the weight of the world on me with no real good reason. It's like subconsciously I knew that phone call was coming and I was already in preparation for today.

Damn...... WHY didn't he ask for help?

Even though you weren't very close, I'm sorry for your loss. Blood is thick, and it will hurt even if you don't expect it, or even want it to.

As far as going down there, its hard to say. If he had gotten that far away from being the man you remembered as "Dad". Then I probably wouldn't go, and save the memories of when he was the man you remembered.

I don't know if that helps at all, but again. I'm sorry for you and your family.

My condolences Rich. My wife lost her father to cancer in July. She didn't know anything about it since she was estranged from the family. Her father had been stealing from her trust fund and she had to sue him to get the money back. Well parts of it back, when he died her mother forbid her and I from coming to the memorial or sending flowers or anything and stopped making payments. I was in shock myself because my parents always taught us to behave and right from wrong. When her father was caught stealing from her and he didn't have any emotions or care in the world like it was normal to him that's when she said forget him.

The way I look at it is this. Do your grieving in your own way. It's like I told my wife. He was your father despite the greed taking over in the last 5 years of his life. Look at the good times however small or few and far between and take comfort and cherish in those thoughts and memories.

Good luck my friend and god bless your family in your loss.

My condolences also! I lost both my parnets in 01. It's was hard for me for a long time!

I'm so sorry for your loss. Even if you weren't close.

As far as giving advice... I can only tell you what i'd do if it were me.

I haven't seen my dad since I was 18 (in the Navy), i'm now 40.
Before that, He was/is an alcoholic and used to beat us kids and my mother all of the time, especially on their anniversary.
When I was about 10 or 11 my brother and I were in bed (it was their anniversary), mom had cooked a special meal for the occassion, and in return he proceeded to beat her.
Eventually the screaming got to be so bad, I got out of bed to go see what was going on.
I found my dad standing over my mom, with one hand on her throat and the other gripping a knife, threatening to stab her.
I asked what was happening, he turned to see me, dropped the knife and ran out of the house.
There are many more stories/incidents regarding my dad and my childhood, but i'm not here to tell you about all of my chldhood problems, nor to make light of your loss.

I only tell you this, because even know he was the way he was, i'd probably go to his funeral or creamation.
I'd want to atleast bid him farewell and ask GOD to forgive him whereas I could not.

Again, my heart goes out to you, as you must be going thru so many mixed feelings today.

~Ray

My Dad was about the same as yours, the only thing he really wanted to do was have a beer and then disagree with everybody. I never had much of a relationship with him, tried a few times but it never worked out and like you I felt bad when he passed, but you know what it's a two way street and it takes an effort from both people. I don't beat myself up over not being aggresive enough because he wasn't interested enough about me or my family to do his part. So do I wish it could have been different..sure, but that's just the way it is sometime. Anyway sorry for your loss, don't hold any grudges and if you have a few good memories hang on to them, and if you have kids (I do) make sure they don't have those feelings when your gone!

Good luck with whatever you decide, that has to come from you. Rich

My condolences also Rich.

Sorry for your loss Rich regardless of how close you were or weren't, my deepest sympathies and prayers go out to you

Please accept my condolenses too, Rich. As far as going to the services, I wonder if your mother may not need support from her children. You might want to be there for her if not for him. Just my .02 cents.

RichZ i am very sorry for your Loss.I am real close to my father.And i know some day i will lose my Father and it will be very tough for me.Close or not he's your father and i know he will be missed.Our prayers go out to you and your family.