St Paddys day

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Two Irishmen are sitting in a small town bar, where Mick bragged to Sean,
"You know, I had me every woman in this town, except of course, me mother and me sister."

"Well," Sean replied, "between you and me we got 'em all."

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Early one morning in rural Ireland two leprechauns knocked on the door of a convent and
asked for the Mother Superior.
The Mother Superior comes out and the older of the two leprechauns asks,
"Mother Superior, are there any wee little leprechaun nuns in this convent?"

Rather startled and bemused the Mother Superior says.
"No, there aren't any wee little leprechaun nuns in this convent."

"Well then," asks the older leprechaun,
"are there any wee little leprechaun nuns at any convent in this county?"

Even more confused than bemused the Mother Superior says.
"No, there aren't any wee little leprechaun nuns in any convent in this county."

"Well let me ask you one more question then," says the older leprechaun,
"Do you know of any wee little leprechaun nuns at any convent in any county in all of Ireland?"

Now confused and a little bewildered Mother Superior says.
"No, I know of no wee little leprechaun nuns at any convent in any county in all of Ireland."

The younger of the two leprechauns is now looking very downcast, staring at his shoes.
Then the older leprechaun puts his hands on his hips and turns to the younger one and says,
"There you go Sean, you heard her, I told you you was screwing a penguin!"

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Sean goes into a confessional box and says, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."

The Priest says, "Is that you, Sean?"

"Yes, Father, it is I."

"Who was the woman you were with?"

"I cannot tell you, for I do not wish to sully her reputation."

The priest asks, "Was it Brenda O'Malley?"

"No, Father."

"Was it Fiona MacDonald?"

"No, Father."

"Was it Ann Brown?"

"No, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest says, "I admire your perseverance but you must atone for your sins.
Your penance will be five Our Fathers and four Hail Mary's."

Sean goes back to his pew and his buddy Mike slides over and asks, "What happened?"

Sean replies, "I got five Our Fathers, four Hail Mary's and three good leads."

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It was Friday evening and having just been paid, Seamus and Murphy were
trying to decide where to go that night.

"I know," says Murphy, "there's a great club in town we ought to try."

"What's it like?" asked Seamus.

Murphy answers, "Well, you go into the club, up to the bar where they give you a free drink.
Then you go upstairs for a free shag. Then you go back to the bar and have another free drink.
After 20 minutes you go back upstairs for another shag. After this you go back to the bar for another
free drink, then go upstairs and have another free shag! After this you go downstairs, have another
free drink, and leave. On the way out, they give you a hundred quid and you go home."

"Saints be praised!" said Seamus, "That sounds great. Have you been there before?"

"No," says Murphy, "but me sister has!"

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An Irish priest and a Rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train.
After a while, the priest opened a conversation by saying,
"I know that, in your religion, you’re not supposed to eat pork...
Have you actually ever tasted it?

The Rabbi said, "I must tell the truth. Yes, I have, on the odd occasion."

Then the Rabbi had his turn of interrogation. He asked,
"Your religion, too...I know you’re supposed to be celibate. But...."

The priest replied, "Yes, I know what you’re going to ask.
I have succumbed once or twice."

There was silence for a while.
Then the Rabbi peeped around the newspaper he was reading and said,
"Better than pork, isn’t it?"

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An Irish man went to his first American baseball game.
As the first batter made a hit, fans jumped up yelling, "RUN! RUN!"

The Irish man jumped up as well yelling, "Run, laddie! Run laddie!"

The next batter got up and made his hit. The fans again cheered, "RUN! RUN!"

The Irish man jumped up yelling "Run laddie! Run laddie!"

The third batter got up got ball 1...ball 2...ball 3... ball 4.....
The umpire yelled "Take your base!"

The batter jogged toward the base.

The Irish man jumped up and yelled "Run laddie! Run laddie!"

Another fan looked at him and said, "He does not need to run, he has 4 balls!"

The Irish man's jaw dropped, and turned and said, "Walk with pride, mon! Walk with pride!"

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A son and father went to see a doctor since the father was getting very ill.
The doctor told the father and son that the father was dying from cancer.
The father, who was an Irishman, turned to his son and said,
"Son, even on this gloomy day, it’s our tradition to drink to health as it is in death;
so let’s go to the pub and celebrate my demise."

Reluctantly, the son followed his father to the local pub.

There, while enjoying their ale, the father saw some old friends
and told them he was dying from AIDS. Shocked, the son turned to his father
and said, "Father, it is not AIDS you are dying from. It is cancer.
Why did you lie to those men?"

The father replied: "Aye, my son, you are right;
but I don’t want those guys sleeping with your mom when I’m gone."

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Mahoney said to his friend McMaken, "I haven't been feelin' meself lately!"

"'Tis a good thing, too -- that was a nasty habit you had!" responded McMaken.

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"Help! Help!" cried the young woman as she staggered up the steps of the police station.
"An Irishman molested me!"

"How'd you know he was Irish?" inquired the sergeant at the desk.

"I had to help him," she gasped.

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A wedding occurred, just outside Cavan in Ireland.
To keep tradition going, everyone got pissed and the bride's and groom’s families had a s
torming rage and begin wrecking the reception room and generally
kicking the crap out of each other.

The police get called in to break up the fight.

The following week, all members of both families appear in court.
The fight continues in the courtroom until the Judge
finally brings calm with the use of his hammer, shouting "Silence in Court."

The courtroom goes silent and Paddy (the best man) stands up and says,
"Judge.. I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened."

The Judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand.
Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a
Cavan wedding that the Best Man gets the first dance with the Bride.

The judge says "OK."

"Well", said Paddy, "After I had finished the first dance, the music kept going,
so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and
I was dancing to the third song when all of a sudden the Groom leapt over the table,
ran towards us and gave the Bride an unmerciful kick in her privates."

The Judge instantly responded... "Wow.. that must have hurt!"

Paddy replies "HURT!.. He broke three of my fingers!"

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A good Irish man, John O'Reilly, met regularly with his toastmasters club.
One evening they were hitting the Guiness Stout and having a contest as to who could make the best toast.

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said
"Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife?"

That won him the top prize for the toast of the night.

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh me that is very nice indeed, John," Mary said.
The next day Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night with a toast about you Mary."

She said, "Aye, and I was a bit surprised meself!
You know, he's only been there twice!
Once he fell asleep and the other time, I had to pull him by the ears to make him come!"

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Ferguson the blacksmith came in with a badly damaged foot.
The doctor was surprised, for Ferguson was a careful man.
"What happened to you, Paddy?" he asked.
"Well, thirty-three years ago I was a young apprentice with Twomey of Ballinanaspickbuidhe......"
"But about your foot.....?"
"This is about me foot. Twomey had a daughter and your eyes could gaze on
her like the way a bullock would eat good grass.
The first night I was there she came in when I was in bed and asked if
I was comfortable and if I wanted anything and I said I didn't.
The next night she came in when I was in bed and she wearing her nightdress and
she asked me if there was any single thing she could get me or
do for me and I told her I was as comfortable as a bug in a rug.
The next night she came in and the girl hadn't a thing on her and she asked me
if she could do anything for me and not wanting to keep her standing in the
cold and she without a shift I said there was nothing."
"What has that got to do with your foot, Ferguson?" asked the doctor impatiently.
"Sure it was only this morning that I finally thought of what she meant
and I was so annoyed with meself that I threw me ten-pound hammer against the wall and it
rebounded and broke me ankle."

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Bridget Quinn was the parish's oldest surviving "eligible bachelor-ette."
She's already outlasted two pastors! She never gives up hope.
Never seems to run out of man-hunting stunts, either.
Her latest effort -- at the parish annual singles dance -- was a classic.
She jumped up on the bandstand, her right hand clenched into a fist,
raised high, and then she saucily announced:
"Any one of you handsome, virle devils who can guess what's in me'
hand can win a week's worth of romantic, candlelight dinners -- just da' two of us, me an' you!!!
Nobody spoke up. Dead silence. Then, a witty, older senior gentleman shouts out,
"Is it an elephant?" Miss Quinn squealed for joy:
"Glory be to God, that's close enough - - - dinner tis' at seven, me boyo!"


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