The ALL Florida Online Corvette Club








Corvette Top Sites

Go Back   The ALL Florida Online Corvette Club > The Lobby > Just For Laughs!

      Photo Gallery Screen Saver!      

Just For Laughs! Got a story to tell that tickles the funny bone? Heard a REALLY good joke? How about sharing those stories here with us?

Reply
Thread Tools Display Modes
Unread 09-12-2008, 11:24 AM   #1
Bob88
Member
 
Bob88's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Brandon
Posts: 40
Name : Robert Hardy
Bob88 has disabled reputation
Default Hurricane Preparedness

We have entered the hurricane season. Every day till December 1st, you'll turn on the TV to see a weather person pointing to some radar blob out in the Atlantic Ocean and making two basic meteorological points:

(1) There is no need to panic.
(2) We could all be killed.

Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Florida . If you're new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for the possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one." Based on our experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple 3-step hurricane preparedness plan:

STEP 1: Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least 3 days.
STEP 2: Put these supplies into your car.
STEP 3: Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Halloween.

Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in Florida . We'll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items:

HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE:

If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets 2 basic requirements:

(1) It is reasonably well-built, and
(2) It is located in Nebraska .

Unfortunately, if your home is located in Florida, or any other area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance because then they might be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they got into the insurance business in the first place.
So you'll have to scrounge around for an insurance company that will charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your house. At any moment, this company can drop you like used dental floss. Since Hurricane Andrew, most Floridians have had an estimated 27 different home-insurance companies. This week I'm covered by the Bob and Big Stan Insurance Company under a policy which states that, in addition to my premium, Bob and Big Stan are entitled, on demand, to my kidneys.

SHUTTERS:

Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows, all the doors and, if it's a major hurricane, all the toilets. There are several types of shutters, with advantages and disadvantages:

Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you make them yourself, they're cheap. The disadvantage is that, because you make them yourself, they will fall off.

Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these work well once you get them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all up, your hands will be useless bleeding stumps ... and it will be December.

Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they're very easy to use and will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that you will have to sell your house to pay for them.

Hurricane-proof windows: These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane protection: They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand hurricane winds. You can be sure of this, because the salesman says so. He lives in Nebraska .

HURRICANE PROOFING YOUR PROPERTY:


As the hurricane approaches, check your yard for movable objects like barbecue grills, planters, patio furniture, visiting relatives, etc. You should, as a precaution, throw these items into your swimming pool (if you don't have a swimming pool, you should have one built immediately). Otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn these objects into deadly missiles.

EVACUATION ROUTE:


If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route planned out. To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look at your driver license. If it reads " Florida ," you live in a low-lying area. The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along with two hundred thousand other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.

HURRICANE SUPPLIES:


THIS IS THE BEST EMAIL IʼVE EVER SEEN ON HURRICANE PREPAREDNESS !!!



If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do not buy them now! Florida tradition requires that you wait until the last possible minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with strangers over who gets the last can of SPAM. In addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies:

a) 23 flashlights. At least $167 worth of batteries that, when the power goes off, turn out to be the wrong size for the flashlights or are old batteries with no power.
b) Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what the bleach is for, but it's traditional, so GET some!)
c) 55 gallon drum of underarm deodorant.
d) A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in a hurricane, but it looks cool.)
e) A large quantity of raw chicken to placate the alligators. Ask anybody who went thru Andrew ... after the hurricane, for sure there WILL be irate, pissed off alligators.
f) $35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you can buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.

Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on your television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers stand right next to the ocean and tell you over and over how vitally important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean.

Good luck! And remember ... It's great living in Paradise . Hurricane season will be over December 1st and then it's SNOWBIRD season. Don't EVEN get me started on that ...
__________________
My dog Minton ate two shuttlecocks yesterday.
Bad Minton.

I'm not losing hair, I'm getting head.



Open air box, K & N, Throttle body bypass, Air Foil, AFPR. Brodix heads, Harland Sharp 1.6 roller rockers, Lingenfelter cam, Superram, 2800 stall torque converter, 3:54 rear, Melrose exhaust system, long tube headers, 3" high flow cats, LT1 mufflers. ZR1 rims 17 x 9.5 front with 275's and 17 x 11 rear with 315's
Bob88 is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 09-12-2008, 01:07 PM   #2
Kap142
Senior Member
 
Kap142's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Auburndale, FL
Posts: 2,391
Name :
Kap142 is on a distinguished road
Default

That, my friends, seems to cover it nicely. Shadow couldn't have said it more eloquently!
__________________
Quietly, quietly, quietly making noise.
Kap142 is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 09-12-2008, 02:44 PM   #3
TBZ06
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Valrico
Posts: 11
Name :
TBZ06 has disabled reputation
Default Hurricane

That is a great description of life in Florida.
TBZ06 is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 09-12-2008, 03:05 PM   #4
donzee
Member
 
donzee's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Clearwater
Posts: 172
Name :
donzee is on a distinguished road
Default

Thanks , I cut it and sent to brother in Texas.
He is out generator shopping today.
donzee is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Florida Closes Last Hurricane Gustav Shelter RSS Feed Florida News Feeds 0 09-08-2008 01:32 PM
Florida Keys placed under a hurricane watch RSS Feed Florida News Feeds 0 09-07-2008 03:58 PM
Florida Hurricane Conference Presents Message of Preparedness RSS Feed Florida News Feeds 0 05-16-2008 05:23 AM
Hurricane season - 2006 Rich Z General Florida Discussions 4 06-15-2006 04:05 PM
The hurricane dilemma Rich Z General Florida Discussions 21 05-11-2006 05:00 PM


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 01:00 PM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.7.3
Copyright ©2000 - 2020, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Page generated in 0.05482197 seconds with 11 queries
All material copyrighted by CorvetteFlorida.com and
the respective owners of the material posted.