On the First Day........
On the first day, God created the dog and said:
'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'
The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'
So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said: 'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'
The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'
And God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow and said:
'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'
The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'
And God agreed again.
On the fourth day, God created man and said:
'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'
But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten
the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'
'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'
So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family y. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
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Dad vs. Punk
I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes. We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The Teenager would look and find him staring every time.
When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild In your life?'
Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response, knowing he would have a good one.
And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response. 'Got drunk once and ****ed a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.'
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Are you a Democrat, a Republican, or a Southerner?
Here is a little test that will help you decide. The answer can be found
by posing the following question:
You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small
children.
Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the
corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah,
raises the knife, and charges at you.
You are carrying a 40 caliber Glock, and you are an expert shot. You
have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you
do?
Democrat's Answer:
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of
his hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Does the Glock have an appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does
this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to
wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away
while he was stabbing me?
Should I call 9-1-1?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day, and make this a
happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for
few days and try to come to a consensus.
Republican's Answer:
BANG!
Southerner's Answer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG! Click..... (Sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG! Click
Daughter: 'Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver
Tips or Hollow Points?'
Son: "Can I shoot the next one!"
Wife: "You're not takin' that to the Taxidermist
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The Bathtub Test
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director, "How do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized?"
Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug...... Do you want a bed near the window?"
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WHAT IS A 710??
A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage.
A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten.
We all looked at each other and another customer asked, 'What is a seven-hundred-ten?'
She replied,
'You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one..'
She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there.
The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like.
She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked
'is there a 710 on this car?'
She pointed and said, 'Of course, its right there.'
If you're not sure what a 710 is.
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A few Jokes
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