I am over 50, and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 34 to join the military. They've got the whole thing backwards. Instead of sending 18-year-olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't even be able to join a military unit until you're at least 40.
For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple dozen of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. My back hurts! I can't sleep. I'm tired and hungry. We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some dirtbag that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.
An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get up early to pee anyway, so why not ? Besides, like I said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical follower of Islam.
If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brain teaser.
Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at. Female drill sergeants? That just adds to the reality. And we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling....
They could lighten up on the obstacle course, however. I've been in combat before and I never saw a single 30-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training. And those "Mountain Climbers"! There weren't any mountains where I was in Viet Nam!
Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.
An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. Heck: they still haven't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade their eyes, not the back of their heads. Dumbasses!
These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.
Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see right now is a couple of million pissed-off old farts with attitude and 50 cals. who know that their best years are already well behind them.
