This is a list of essential tools for every home shop and their definitions.
1.. DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching
flat metal bar stock out of your hands, so it smacks you in the chest
and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that
freshly stained, heirloom piece you were drying.
2. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere
under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes
fingerprints and hard-earned guitar calluses from fingers in about
the time it takes you to say, "Yeou ****...."
3. ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in
their holes until you die of old age.
4. SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
5. PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the
creation of blood blisters. The tool used most often by all women.
6. BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert
minor touchup jobs into major refinishing jobs.
7. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more
dismal your future becomes.
8. VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off
bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to
transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
9. WELDING GLOVES: Heavy-duty leather gloves used to prolong the
conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
10. OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various
flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the
grease inside the wheel hub that you want the bearing race out of.
11. WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars
and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16
or � socket you've been searching for the last 45 minutes.
12. TABLE SAW: A large, stationary power tool commonly used to launch
wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
13. HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the
ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the
jack handle firmly under the bumper.
14. EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile
upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.
15. TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires.
16. E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any
known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes, thereby ending
any possible future use.
17. RADIAL ARM SAW: A large, stationary power saw primarily used by
most shops to scare neophytes into choosing another line of work.
18. TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile
strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
19. CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that
inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end
opposite the handle.
20. AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
21. TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes
called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine
vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health
benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at
about the same rate that 105mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the
Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat
misleading.
22. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals
under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on
your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out
Phillips screw heads.
23. STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes
used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.
24. AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-
burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that
travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts
which were last over tightened 30 years ago by someone at Ford, and instantly rounds
off their heads. Also used to quickly snap off lug nuts .
25. PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip
or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
26. HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
27. HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer
nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts
adjacent the object we are trying to hit.
28. MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly
well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic
bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic
parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but
only while being worn.
29. DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the
garagewhile yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also,
most often, the next tool that you will need.
--