The Stages of a Hangover
1 STAR HANGOVER (*)
No pain. No real feeling of illness. Your sleep last night
was a mere disco nap which is giving you a whole lot of
misplaced energy. Be glad that you are able to function
relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can
drink 10 sodas and still feel this way. You are craving
a steak bomb and a side of gravy fries.
2 STAR HANGOVER (**)
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look
okay but you have mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee
you chug is only acerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving
a rootie tootie fresh and fruity pancake breakfast from IHOP.
Last night has wreaked havoc on your bowels.
3 STAR HANGOVER (***)
Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not
productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her
perfume reminds you of the random gin shots you did with
your alcoholic friends after the bouncer 86'ed you at
1:45 a.m. Life would be better right now if you were in your
bed with a dozen donuts and a meatball sub watching the E!
fashion awards. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water,
3 Snapples and a litre of diet coke. You haven't peed once!!
4 STAR HANGOVER (****)
Life sucks. Your head is throbbing and you can't speak too
quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already
lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture
for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't
hide the fact that you missed an oh-so-crucial spot shaving
(girls, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the
bumper cars). Your eyes look like one big vein and your
hairstyle makes you look like a reject from the class
picture of High School in '56.
5 STAR HANGOVER (*****)
AKA "Dante's 4th Circle of He11." You have a second heartbeat
in your head which is actually annoying the employee who sits
in the next office. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore
and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the
corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth. Your body has
lost the ability to generate saliva, so your tongue is
suffocating you. Death seems pretty good right now.
You definitely don't remember who you were with, where you
were, what you drank, and why there was a stranger in your
bed when you left for work.
6 STAR HANGOVER (******)
Otherwise known as the "Infinite Nutsmacker." You wake up on
your bathroom floor. For about 2 seconds you look at the
ceiling, wondering if the cool refreshing feeling on your
cheek is the bathroom tile or your vomit from 5 hours ago.
It is amazing how your buddy was as drunk as you, but somehow
manages to get up before you the next morning... You try to
lift your head. Not an option. It is when you turn your head
too quickly only to smell the funk of 13 packs of cigarettes
in your hair, and suddenly you realize you were smoking,
but not ultra lights...some jackass handed you Marlboro reds,
and you smoked them like it was your second full time job.
You look in the mirror only to see remnants of the stamp
"Ready to Rock" faintly atop your forehead... that explains
the stamp on the back of your hand that has magically appeared
on your forehead by alcoholicosmosis. You have a meeting at
work in t-minus 14 minutes and 32 seconds and the only thing
you can think of wearing is your 'horsey' pajamas and your
'bunny' slippers...
__________________
~Rich
|
Hey Rich,
That was a Riot!!!
bro...
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