Steven Wright

[naples]

> Steven Wright-isms?

For those who love the philosophy of hypocrisy and ambiguity....

(these are kind of like "Steven Wright-isms")
1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor..
3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys
and apes?
5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the
bad girls live.
6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman"where's the self-help
section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
7. What if there were no hypothetical questions?
8. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is
it considered a hostage situation?
10. Is there another word for synonym?
11. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
12. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an
endangered plant?
13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
14. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
15. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will
clean them?
16. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
17. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
18. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to
start speaking?
19. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
20. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road
signs?
21. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
22. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
23. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
24. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
25. How is it possible to have a civil war?
26. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
27. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
28. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
29. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it?
30. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?
31. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
32. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
33. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become
disoriented?
34. Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?

[Shadow]

[Rich Z]

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.

A fool and his money are soon partying.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.

Half the people you know are below average.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

On the other hand, you have different fingers. -- Steven Wright

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet.
So I said, "Got any shoes you're not using?" -- Steven Wright

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted. -- Steven Wright

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. -- Steven Wright

"Did you sleep well?" "No, I made a couple of mistakes." -- Steven Wright

My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo
cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of
the afternoon's appointments. -- Steven Wright

Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour. -- Steven Wright

I have two very rare photographs.
One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car.
The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.
-- Steven Wright

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards.
I got a full house and four people died.
-- Steven Wright

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory.
You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
-- Steven Wright

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums. -- Steven Wright

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
-- Steven Wright

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot,
then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
-- Steven Wright

You can't have everything. Where would you put it? -- Steven Wright

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
-- Steven Wright

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
-- Steven Wright

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
-- Steven Wright

My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll
give me the other one next year. -- Steven Wright

I had amnesia once or twice. -- Steven Wright

Smoking cures weight problems...eventually... -- Steven Wright

I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
-- Steven Wright

I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light on all
day. When I got home the front door wouldn't open. -- Steven Wright

I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open. -- Steven Wright

I took a course in speed reading. Then I got Reader's Digest on microfilm. By
the time I got the machine set up, I was done. -- Steven Wright

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
-- Steven Wright

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the
ocean would be if that didn't happen. -- Steven Wright

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
-- Steven Wright

Even snakes are afraid of snakes. -- Steven Wright

If a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we know?
-- Steven Wright

It's a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they'd just stay
right up there. Hunters would be all confused. -- Steven Wright

I wrote a few children's books...not on purpose. -- Steven Wright

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box.
I was an only child....eventually. -- Steven Wright

I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that much time.
-- Steven Wright

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered
French Toast during the Renaissance. -- Steven Wright

I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, "If I melt
dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?" -- Steven Wright

I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk said,
"ten-four." -- Steven Wright

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He said, "Yes, but not in a row." -- Steven Wright

I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they
can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me
what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium." -- Steven Wright

I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, "It's
free with purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything today.
-- Steven Wright

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators. -- Steven Wright

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier...I put them in the same
room and let them fight it out. -- Steven Wright

Ever notice how irons have a setting for *permanent* press? I don't get it...
-- Steven Wright

I invented the cordless extension cord. -- Steven Wright

I installed a skylight in my apartment...The people who live above me are
furious! -- Steven Wright

All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs
synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a
department store...with a pricing gun. She said, "Give me all of the money in
the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store." -- Steven Wright

Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real
brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over and I'm
gonna say, "Go ahead, touch it...it feels real." -- Steven Wright

In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above...so I never
have to go upstairs. -- Steven Wright

All the plants in my house are dead---I shot them last night. I was teasing
them by watering them with ice cubes. -- Steven Wright

I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there.
-- Steven Wright

My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them. -- Steven Wright

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas,
people behind me stop, and I'm gone. -- Steven Wright

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm
the only one moving. -- Steven Wright

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really
fast, and stick it out the window. I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to
take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica
sounds *amazing*. -- Steven Wright

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they
wouldn't have to go so fast. -- Steven Wright

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But leave a
message and I'll call when I'm out." -- Steven Wright

I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles". That's pretty big. Some people must be
really tired. -- Steven Wright

The judge asked, "What do you plead?" I said, "Insanity, your honour, who in
their right mind would park in the passing lane?" -- Steven Wright

I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's
going to be up all night. -- Steven Wright

I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to
sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.
-- Steven Wright

There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an
idiot. -- Steven Wright

I bought a dog the other day...I named him Stay. It's fun to call him...
"Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me
and keeps typing. -- Steven Wright

They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning...[picks up his glass
of water from the stool]...I like to live on the edge... -- Steven Wright

I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.
-- Steven Wright

When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five
minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice. -- Steven Wright