Irish alzheimers

[Mark Dalton]

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost

>fell down when he saw him. Murphy had never been seen in church in his

>life.

>

>

> After Mass, the priest caught up with Murphy and said,

>"Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass, what made ya come?"

>

>

> Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a

>while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I

>know that McGlynn had a hat just like me hat, and I knew that McGlynn

>came to church every Sunday. I also knew that McGlynn had to take off

>his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church.

>So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."

>

>

> The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't

>steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"

>

> Murphy said, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10

>Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after

>all."

>

> The priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; "After I

>talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do

>without your hat than burn in Hell, right ?"

>

> Murphy slowly shook his head and said, "No, Father,

>after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered

>where I left me hat."

 

[Mark Dalton]

A trip to Wal-Mart

You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house.
> Mowing the lawn, putting a new fence in, painting the living room, or
> whatever. You are hot and sweaty. Covered in dirt or paint. You have your old
> work clothes on. You know the outfit, shorts with the hole in crotch,
> old t-shirt with a stain from who knows what, and an old pair of tennis shoes.
> Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you
> realize you need to run to Wal-Mart to get something to help complete
> the job. Depending on your age you might do the following.
>
> In your 20's:
> Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair,
> brush your teeth, floss, and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in
> the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you
> never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the
> checkout lane. You went to school with the pretty girl running the
> register.
>
> In your 30's:
> Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes.
> You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands
> and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a
> shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl
> running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.
>
> In your 40's:
> Stop what you are doing. Put a sweatshirt that is long enough to
> cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes
> and a hat. Wash your hands Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you
> don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Wal-Mart. Check yourself
> in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing. The spicy young
> thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird
> thinking she is spicy.
>
> In your 50's:
> Stop what you are doing. Put a hat on, wipe the dirt off your hands
> onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dirt in
> your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not
> to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The cutie
> running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think
> you still have it. Then you remember the hat you have on is from your
> buddy's bait shop and it says, "I Got Worms".
>
> In your 60's:
> Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore. Hose off the dog
> crap off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your
> 50's. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in
> your pants. The girl running the register may be cute but you don't
> have your glasses on so you are not sure.
>
> In your 70's
> Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Wal-Mart until they have your
> prescriptions ready too. Don't' even notice the dog crap on your shoes.
> The young thing at the register smiles at you because you remind her
> of her grandfather.
>
> In your 80's:
> Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you
> remember that you needed to go to Wal-Mart. Go to Wal-Mart and wander
> around trying to think what it is you are looking for. When you noisly pass gass
> you think someone called out your name. The old lady that greeted
> you at the front door went to school with you.