silverback
New member
Subject: Fwd: Tool Definitions
>
> Drill Press: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly
>snatching flat bar stock out of your hands, striking you in the chest and
>flinging your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly
>painted part on the workbench.
>
> Wire Wheel: Cleans paint off bolts and throws them under the
>workbench at the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and guitar
>calluses in the time it takes to say "ouch!"
>
> Electric Hand Drill: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in
>their holes until you die of old age.
>
> Pliers: Used to round off bolt heads. May also be used to
>create blood blisters.
>
> Hacksaw: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija
>Board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
>motion and the more you attempt to influence its direction the more dismal
>your failure becomes.
>
> Vice Grips: Generally used after pliers to further round off a
>bolt. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer
>intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
>
> Oxy-acetylene Torch: Used almost exclusively for lighting
>various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for setting fire
>to the grease around that wheel bearing you were trying to remove by
>heating the hub.
>
> Whitworth Sockets: Once used for working on older British cars
>and motorcycles. Now mostly are hammered over bolts previously rounded by
>vice grips.
>
> Hydraulic Floor Jack: Used for lowering an automobile to the
>ground after installing new brake shoes, trapping the handle firmly under
>the bumper. May also be used to lower vehicle onto the plastic pail you
>drained the engine oil into, immediately prior to moving the vehicle and
>spilling oil all over your concrete driveway.
>
> Two by Four: An eight-foot long bar made of wood that will break as it is used to lift the vehicle upward off the hydraulic floor jack handle.
>
> Tweezers: A tool for removing 2X4 splinters or wire wheel
>wires from your fingers.
>
> E-Z Out Bolt and Stud Extractor: A tool 10 times harder than
>any known drill bit that snaps off in bolt holes. Works well in inexpensive
>or easy to replace parts but using this tool in expensive parts will cause
>almost certain failure.
>
> Two-Ton Engine Hoist: Used for testing the tensile strength of
>electrical wires, hoses, etc., that you forgot to disconnect.
>
> Craftsman 1/2 X 16 inch Screwdriver. A large prybar that
>inexplicably has an accurately machined flat tip at the opposite end to the
>handle that has been chipped while using it for a chisel
>
> Aviation Metal Snips: See "Hacksaw."
>
> Trouble Light: A very appropriately named tool. Its two main
>purposes are to shine an intense light directly into your eyes instead of
>onto the part you are trying to illuminate and also to consume 40 watt
>light bulbs at the same rate as a 105 mm Howitzer consumes shells.
>Sometimes called a drop light for reasons obvious to anybody who has used
>one.
>
> Philips Screwdriver: Normally used to stab the silver vacuum
>seals under the screw off lids of oil cans but can also be used, as the name
>implies, to strip out the heads of Phillips screws.
>
> Pry Bar: A tool often used to crumple the metal surrounding a
>clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace that 50 cent part.
>
> Hose Cutter: Used to make hoses too short.
>
> Hammer: Originally used as a weapon of war, but nowadays used
>as a device used to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the part
>you are trying to hit.
>
> Utility Knife: Used to open boxes and slice through the
>contents of packages delivered to your front door. Works particularly well
>on items such as seats, CD's, liquids in plastic bottles, collector
>magazines etc. Especially useful for slicing through work clothes, but only
>when you are in them.
>
> Dammit Tool: Any tool that gets thrown across the garage as you
>yell "Dammit!" It is also the next tool that you will need.
>
> Expletive: A soothing balm, or mechanics lube, usually applied
>verbally and in hindsight, which somehow eases the pain and embarrassment of
>our lack of foresight.
>
> Drill Press: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly
>snatching flat bar stock out of your hands, striking you in the chest and
>flinging your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly
>painted part on the workbench.
>
> Wire Wheel: Cleans paint off bolts and throws them under the
>workbench at the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and guitar
>calluses in the time it takes to say "ouch!"
>
> Electric Hand Drill: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in
>their holes until you die of old age.
>
> Pliers: Used to round off bolt heads. May also be used to
>create blood blisters.
>
> Hacksaw: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija
>Board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
>motion and the more you attempt to influence its direction the more dismal
>your failure becomes.
>
> Vice Grips: Generally used after pliers to further round off a
>bolt. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer
>intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
>
> Oxy-acetylene Torch: Used almost exclusively for lighting
>various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for setting fire
>to the grease around that wheel bearing you were trying to remove by
>heating the hub.
>
> Whitworth Sockets: Once used for working on older British cars
>and motorcycles. Now mostly are hammered over bolts previously rounded by
>vice grips.
>
> Hydraulic Floor Jack: Used for lowering an automobile to the
>ground after installing new brake shoes, trapping the handle firmly under
>the bumper. May also be used to lower vehicle onto the plastic pail you
>drained the engine oil into, immediately prior to moving the vehicle and
>spilling oil all over your concrete driveway.
>
> Two by Four: An eight-foot long bar made of wood that will break as it is used to lift the vehicle upward off the hydraulic floor jack handle.
>
> Tweezers: A tool for removing 2X4 splinters or wire wheel
>wires from your fingers.
>
> E-Z Out Bolt and Stud Extractor: A tool 10 times harder than
>any known drill bit that snaps off in bolt holes. Works well in inexpensive
>or easy to replace parts but using this tool in expensive parts will cause
>almost certain failure.
>
> Two-Ton Engine Hoist: Used for testing the tensile strength of
>electrical wires, hoses, etc., that you forgot to disconnect.
>
> Craftsman 1/2 X 16 inch Screwdriver. A large prybar that
>inexplicably has an accurately machined flat tip at the opposite end to the
>handle that has been chipped while using it for a chisel
>
> Aviation Metal Snips: See "Hacksaw."
>
> Trouble Light: A very appropriately named tool. Its two main
>purposes are to shine an intense light directly into your eyes instead of
>onto the part you are trying to illuminate and also to consume 40 watt
>light bulbs at the same rate as a 105 mm Howitzer consumes shells.
>Sometimes called a drop light for reasons obvious to anybody who has used
>one.
>
> Philips Screwdriver: Normally used to stab the silver vacuum
>seals under the screw off lids of oil cans but can also be used, as the name
>implies, to strip out the heads of Phillips screws.
>
> Pry Bar: A tool often used to crumple the metal surrounding a
>clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace that 50 cent part.
>
> Hose Cutter: Used to make hoses too short.
>
> Hammer: Originally used as a weapon of war, but nowadays used
>as a device used to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the part
>you are trying to hit.
>
> Utility Knife: Used to open boxes and slice through the
>contents of packages delivered to your front door. Works particularly well
>on items such as seats, CD's, liquids in plastic bottles, collector
>magazines etc. Especially useful for slicing through work clothes, but only
>when you are in them.
>
> Dammit Tool: Any tool that gets thrown across the garage as you
>yell "Dammit!" It is also the next tool that you will need.
>
> Expletive: A soothing balm, or mechanics lube, usually applied
>verbally and in hindsight, which somehow eases the pain and embarrassment of
>our lack of foresight.
